So, I have a confession to make………….
Of late, I haven’t been a kind, caring and loving person to someone who plays a very important role in my life. In fact, I have been down right cruel to this person. To the point that at times, I truly believe that this person is not worthy of love, kindness or even just friendly help and guidance; from me, or anyone. After all, it’s always easier to be judgemental, cynical and negative, than to be open minded, loving and positive-right???
And, while I’m being so open and honest; I was so unloving and cruel to this person, that she believed with all her heart, that this world, and her family would be better off without her. I know, how cruel was I ?!?!?
Thankfully, as the pros and cons of leaving it all behind were unfolding, one of her sons made a call to her. Reminded her that she is worthy. Reminded her that she is loved. Reminded her that he, and her family needed her……….Talk about timing, right? 😇
That person that I have been so cruel and judgemental of; she’s me………
You see, for someone who truly wants what is best for everyone around me, I find it extremely difficult to see, accept and receive the same from others. Those of you who know me personally, or have even been reading my previous posts, will know that anxiety, and unworthiness is something that goes hand in hand for me. I am often there to advise, care for, and even point others in the right direction of self love and acceptance, but it is something that I, more often than not, struggle with for myself.
Which leads me to my next confession…………..
I have had a year thus far of doctors appointments, blood tests and every scan imaginable, all followed up with specialist appointments. I don’t want to say that I’m unwell, or sick as such, because I’m very aware that our thoughts help create and shape our reality, but I haven’t been fighting fit, I have been extremely unwell at times, and myself and my family, have had to put up with days of me just simply, not being able to get out of bed.
Now, I would like to consider my self a positive, happy, compassionate and caring person, but I’m here to tell you that the ongoing health factors, along with being prone to anxiety, panic attacks and mental anguish due to the chemical imbalance from MTHFR; I sometimes struggle to keep up the appearance of positivity; especially where myself is concerned! So, when I found myself consumed with frustration, negativity, unworthiness, and self doubt, putting myself down, self loathing, and feeling like a burden to those closest to me-self harm was easier to contemplate than you may think……..
“Everything happens for a reason”so, I asked myself and God/the Universe /Spirit (insert whatever is applicable to you); “what is the lesson for me right now?”
I quietened my mind. It was hard, hard to push past the “chatter” that is constantly going round and round in my mind, especially with the most recent turn of events so prominent and at the fore front of my thinking, but when I took the time to listen, really listen to that little voice in my mind (you know the one), I heard…….“surrender”!
Surrender to life, not run or hide from it.
Surrender to what will be, don’t fight and control every little thing.
Surrender to the universe, in the big scheme of things, things aren’t all that bad.
Surrender to my feelings, my feelings are important and I don’t have to justify them to anyone.
Surrender my fears of being worthy.
Surrender my fears of love.
Surrender my fears of acceptance.
Now I need to act. Allow myself to surrender. Trust that everything is unfolding as it should, and to forgive and release the uncaring, unloving and negative actions I have done to myself. Surrender to the possibilities of what is yet to come.
Am I worried as I write this, what others will think? Hell yes!
Will I feel judged? Of course I will, but I kinda figure people will (and do) judge me no matter what I say or do, and if writing and sharing my life experiences, the real, authentic me, that is perfectly flawed on so many levels, can help just one other person, then people can judge me all they like!
Until next time, take care of you…..
I have used lyrics in the past to help describe how I’m feeling, and for me right now, I’m finding this song meaningful-enjoy!
WHO YOU ARE~Jessie J