Over the past couple of months we, as a family have had a lot of things occur with in each of our individual lives, as well as our family unit. Each occurrence, situation or life event has been intertwined and linked in some shape or form. Our eldest son is now an “adult”, he has a job, a lovely girlfriend, a car and pretty much does his own thing. Our middle son is still heavily involved in all things soccer related; as I write this post we are preparing for National Titles where he will be representing QLD in the U16 Boys team, that are once again being held in Sydney N.S.W. Australia. We fly out on Sunday-very exciting times! He has also had his Set Plan interviews with his school for senior schooling subjects for the next two years; in amongst that, he has decided that he might like to look at different schools in the area, schools that offer more soccer, and soccer as a subject (cause you can never have too much soccer in your life!). And, our youngest son has also had a successful soccer season, with his U12 team winning the grand final; he is in the process of finishing up his primary school education and looking towards high school and all of the excitement and anticipation around that event! Craig has been flat out at work tendering and letting jobs, and I’ve been busy being a mum, plus working, getting the flu and, finding time to get myself well so I am available and ready to tackle whatever the boys or life throw at me! Did I mention that also through my yearning to learn and discover, I have in fact learnt that I am an Empath, oh and to top it off, my mum no longer wants a relationship with me……………..PHEW!!!
Enter self doubt, anxiety and good old fashion depression back into my life!
I’m going to be honest, I have been struggling. Every single decision I have made, I have not only second guessed it, I have third, fourth, fifth guessed it, to the point of throwing my arms up with a big old F@$K IT!! It has been hard work emotionally, and physically draining being in constant war with myself in my head, whilst putting on my “mask” of positivity to the outside world. Thank God, the Universe, Goddess (insert what is right for you), for my husband, my children, my bother and Dad. If it wasn’t for each of them, and different roles they each played during my recent dark time, I’m not sure I would’ve been so open to receiving the light that was, and is always there (even when my eyes and heart is closed to receiving).
By now, most people close to me know my “everything happens for a reason” motto. So in reflecting on everything, I decided that there is clearly a lesson for me to learn, and then share. I believe my lesson is LETTING GO.
⭐️Letting go of the want to always protect the boys. Instead, offer guidance to them, so they can make their own, informed choices. Let them make mistakes so they learn and grow from their choices. I believe this is one lesson I will continue to learn and develop with every different, and new milestone that the boys continue to come across.
⭐️Letting go of my self image, or should I say, what I think people will think of me. All my life I have felt connected to others, be it people, animals or nature. I have always had extremely strong feelings around particular topics; respect, manners, kindness and just consideration for others, just to name a few. I have been told my whole life that I am too sensitive, I shouldn’t let others feelings affect me and, I can’t help everyone. Through my self discovery process, and after a few people have thrown into conversation that I am an Empath, I took a good hard look at my self, I read all I could find on the the topic, and I think they may be right……..I am an Empath. Instead of hiding my emotion, I need to embrace my feelings. Instead of believing that I am too sensitive, embrace my sensitivity. Instead of believing that I can’t change the world, help as many as I can make changes in their world.
My relationship with my mum is the hardest to let go………..It’s easier to walk away from people or circumstances that continually cause you pain, where the people involved are that little bit more detached, it’s very difficult when its family; especially your mother. My mother and I have butted heads from my recollection, since I was around 13. I had always basically assumed that it was normal for teenage daughters and their mums to clash occasionally-I mean, I clash with the boys occasionally; I still love them. My mother and I have had differences of opinions while I was growing into adulthood-I have differences of opinions with the boys; I still love them. When Craig and I had our marriage problems my mother was concerned and worried for me, I was choosing to stay in the marriage and give it another go-mum, at the time advised me differently; I am so pleased that I didn’t take her advice and that I made my own choices. Something I am encouraging the boys to do-make their own choices, regardless of the outcome; I will still love them. So, like what I thought normal families did, my mother and I have had our fair share of differences of opinions, I still loved her. I was in total shock, when at soccer training with our middle son, to receive a phone call from Craig saying that my mother and step father had just left our place, and my mother had told him that she can longer have a relationship with me, and handed Craig a letter to give to me. Craig read the letter, and to this day will not give it to me; he believes it’s better for my mental health for me to not read it and know exactly what my mother thinks of me and her feelings toward me. Craig has told me that he doesn’t know the person that she is referring to in the letter, but he does know that, that person is not me………..
I can not even begin to explain, how the fact that my own mother thinks so little of me, that she wants nothing to do with me, has made me feel. It lead to me questioning absolutely everything about myself. The feelings of “I must be horrible person”and, “how can I expect others to even like me, if my own mother doesn’t love me” was so overwhelming I found it a struggle to even function. I know I need to let go of this and these feelings, and it’s something that is becoming easier, but I have to admit, it’s very damn hard! And,you know what? I still love her……..
THIS IS ME-I am learning to like me. I am hoping that in the not to distant future, I may even grow to love me.
I take care of me, I am kind to others, I am respectful to others, and I treat people the way I would like to be treated.
Until next time, take care of you…..